The House of Food Porn
A little bit naughty, a little bit nice.
Recently I joined some foodie friends for a night at the House of Food Porn. The name alone suggests it’s going to be a bit of an adventure, a bit of a risk, maybe a bit risqué. The location underscores that sense of experimentation: it’s on a dark side street in Little Haiti, an off-the-beaten path Miami neighborhood where artists and food innovators go to do their thing.
Let me set the stage….
The Uber driver pulls up in front of a closed up, dark storefront with an unlit “House of Food Porn” sign.
The vibe is “abandoned and sketchy”. The only other person on the street is a lonely-looking guy of indeterminate age, dressed in a trench coat, sitting on an unlit stoop, drinking what I imagine to be moonshine out of a paper bag.
I am 15 minutes early for the 7PM reservation. I wonder if I should ask the Uber driver to hang with me for a while.
And then a beautiful woman opens the door to the restaurant and says “Welcome, Anne”.
The beautiful woman is Nicky, wife of the chef, Franco. She is our hostess for the evening. She offers me a glass of red wine.
The restaurant shimmers and glows.
House of Food Porn seats a maximum of 14 diners around a horseshoe bar. The décor suggests upscale bordello; it’s got a romantic energy that borders on bawdy. Glass chandeliers and candlelight create that shimmer; burnished wood reflects the glow. Maybe there is music playing, maybe there isn’t, I don’t remember! (and I think that’s a good thing!)
As tonight’s diners arrive, Nicky pours each of them a glass of the house red wine. There’s a “magical dinner party at a friend’s house” feeling gaining momentum as we gather around the bar.
We go our assigned seat, noted by name cards. Obviously thought has been given to the seating arrangements. I feel like I’m at a wedding. Added bonus: I can address the couple across the room, whom I just met, by name. That makes me feel good.
Each place is set with artisan glassware Nicky picked out in Europe, as well as wooden rectangle plates, a perfectly folded black napkin and a gold wrapped piece of chocolate.
Dinner is a “World in a Roll” – or so Nicky says!
True to the dinner party concept, there’s no menu at House of Porn, no choices to make. You select a dinner package (there are six in total). Our group chose “The Kamasutra”, a seven course Chef’s Table Experience: 2 hours. $174.41/person, including a bottomless glass of wine.
Dinner here consists of small bundles of food, rolled sushi-style. You eat them with your hands; there are no chopsticks or forks in sight.
Chef Franco has been creating these bundles since he was 17 years old; that’s when he first tasted real sushi. He loved the explosive flavors. He rolled them at home and his Cuban mama rejected the Japanese tastes. So he decided to make a role filled with the flavors of Cuba - pork and beans and rice, avocado and plantains. Mama loved the rolls and called them “Shushi”. The name stuck!
As time went by, Chef’s boundless creativity led him to explore how to put the flavors of other cultures into a roll. His bundles came to include foods and flavors from around the world.
Each of the rolls is knock-your-socks off beautiful.
They are all ingredient-intensive. I tried to note what was in each bundle - but the ingredient list is long and there could be some errors of omission!
The first roll included Italian salami, black beans, refried pinto beans, roasted eel, salmon roe and onion.
Another one included blue crab, conch from the Turks and Caicos, fresh caught grouper from Florida, American caviar from Louisiana, Ponzu sauce and somekind of chili.
Then there was New Zealand lamb with tiki marsala from India, some cumin, goat cheese in a date, and smoked Norwegian salmon.
Korean inspired Pork buligi was matched with kimchi, brioche, plantains with marinated pork in the center all wrapped with Black Forest ham from Germany.
A perfect scallop came with a dash of sesame oil, soy as the brine; it sat on a crisp made from a cured pork shoulder.
And, of course, dessert:
Nicky brings out the dishes one by one. You eat one and guess what’s in it. Chef then reveals the ingredients for each bundle, as well as his inspiration.
There’s a lot of food to be sure. It changes with the season, according to availability and Chef’s whims and interests. Some bundles are outrageously successful: I could taste all the ingredients and textures in each bite. Others are less successful to me - tasting like a lot of stuff mushed together, hamburger style.
Nicky guaranteed us we would not have a food-hangover after eating all six courses of this luxurious tasting menu. That’s because there is no fattening filter – no bread and butter, no rice or potatoes. As for a wine hang-over, she told us we were on our own!
The big question: is this place worth it?
Yes! If you are a lover of creative cooking that pushes the edges of your expectations.
Yes! if you love small, one-of-a-kind restaurants in off-the-beaten-track places.
Yes! if you want to explore different combinations of ingredients from all over the world.
Yes! if you like that intimate dinner-party scene. where you leave feeling like the host and chef, Nicky and Franco, are your new besties.
Perfection is clearly not the goal here. It’s all about a bunch of people enjoying Francos’ creativity, Nicky’s hospitality, and different “round-the-world” flavor combinations in a beautifully funky and strikingly personal environment. It’s a unique evening in Miami.
The bottom line:
$251/person for the six course tasting menu, including taxes, tip, and a bottomless glass of very smooth red wine (white if you prefer). They also offer creative cocktail pairings.
House of Food Porn
197 NW 62nd St
Miami FL 33150
305-788-0137
Chef@HouseofFoodPorn.com
It's a LOT to spend on dinner. But come on! It's the House of Food Porn:)
They are still trying to figure out a less meat-y approach! It's a challenge for Chef!